Only a few weeks in the past, we tasked copywriters of all stripes with a easy mission:
“Write some copy about this robotic vacuum that performs music.”
Extra particularly, we tasked them with writing an excellent touchdown web page for individuals to enroll to listen to extra about DJ Rumba within the lead-up to its (utterly fictional) launch.
We reviewed each single entry, in search of pages that weren’t solely well-written, however neatly used each bit of copy to assist the aim of the marketing campaign and push the customer in direction of finishing the decision to motion: submitting their electronic mail handle.
We then chosen the ten best examples to be critiqued by our panel of skilled copywriters; you’ll discover commentary from Joanna Wiebe from Copy Hackers, Demian Farnworth from Copyblogger, Henneke Duistermaat from Enchanted, and others beneath.
We want you to vote for the winner
Now the destiny of the ten finalists is in your fingers – or, extra precisely, whichever finger you employ to click on issues.
Solid your vote for the touchdown web page you’d select to anchor the DJ Rumba launch marketing campaign. You may vote for as many pages as you’d like, however you may solely vote as soon as per web page.
The copywriter behind the web page that has probably the most votes by Might 18th shall be on their approach to the Call to Action Conference in Vancouver in September, with two runners-up receiving tickets to the Conversion Road Trip metropolis of their alternative subsequent month.
Comfortable voting!
1. Brian Lenney
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Judges’ feedback
The headline is simply too intelligent however it acquired my consideration and made me learn the primary paragraph. Good check choice. That stated, know when to give up: reduce the paragraph after “Meet DJ Rumba.”
The provide is unclear and introduces nervousness and mistrust – how will you ship with solely my electronic mail handle?
Good voice – humorous, and will work for an viewers that wishes a singing vacuum. (BTW: 30 second rule? I assumed it was 5 seconds!)
The Swanson testimonial nails it. The headline, not a lot.
You might be assuming an excessive amount of: maybe the goal market does like to bounce bare. However who’s that?
I really feel just like the language defines who the goal market is (somebody who makes use of the phrase “crib”), however then I query if these similar individuals may afford DJ Rumba. Or if their roommates or mother and father would recognize dancing bare within the crib even when they may.
2. Andrew Morris
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Judges’ feedback
The headline is intelligent with out being complicated. It grabs my consideration and makes me wish to learn on, which means it does its job.
The CTA button copy, however, is a turn-off. Save my place for what? It doesn’t inform me what I’m going to get and there’s no consistency with the headline or sub-head.
The “advantages” copy is obscure. What am I chilling, selecting and cheering? Don’t make me join the dots. I additionally suppose it’s bizarre that the advantages give attention to music as an alternative of cleansing. Is my largest ache level when vacuuming carrying round a boombox? Is House Jam at present in theatres? I don’t suppose so.
The sub-heading is fairly good – it explains the DJ Rumba in clear language.
The button copy, nonetheless, is weak – what does “save my place” imply?
I’d additionally prefer to see a stronger purpose for signing up (and alter the “we” focus to “you” focus). The three function bins may extra clearly clarify each options and advantages. I nonetheless don’t fairly perceive how DJ Rumba works.
3. Shana Haynie
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Judges’ feedback
The headline and sub-headline are weak – too many phrases, too little readability and an excessive amount of try at hipster punch.
The opt-in textual content jogs my memory that I can’t have this now… disappointing and never compelling.
The three bins of content material are weak on options/benefits and missing in advantages. It appears the one purpose I’d need that is to bounce, and I’d want extra causes to care in regards to the machine.
The headline lacks readability. I’d think about transforming the final two sentences within the first paragraph into the headline and sub-head. These are nice strains that inform me what I’m and handle a potential ache level.
Make the three advantages standout with worth added sub-heads. “It’s enjoyable!” doesn’t inform me something.
The remainder of the copy is terrific.
4. Michaela Stalnaker
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Judges’ feedback
I feel the second paragraph is okay. The headline is what causes some points. “Actually” could be very ambiguous. One thing a bit extra direct would assist an excellent deal: “Your music sucks – and that’s a superb factor” can be extra my velocity.
When you do this, then the second paragraph makes much more sense and ties it collectively. And put options additional up the web page. They’ll promote me!
The headline catches my consideration however there is no such thing as a punch line. The second paragraph falls flat.
Unsure what downside the machine solves for me – my unhealthy style in music? Why can’t you clarify what the product is?
Not fascinated about opting in, the faux enthusiasm is a real boner killer.
The three advantages beneath the fold are respectable, however it’s too late.
5. Jenn DiMaria
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Judges’ feedback
Took me two readings to “get” the headline, which fails the readability over intelligent check.
Lede copy hits the ache factors of post-party cleanup and ties the USP of the machine into the answer. Not unhealthy.
I wouldn’t use an opt-in for a video view – not sufficient of a worth proposition. Show the video on the web page and craft a extra compelling CTA for get the opt-in associated to internet hosting a Rhumba celebration.
Testimonials are off the mark in content material.
The truth that it’s coming quickly made me much less immediately.
The intro paragraph was a bit lengthy and too particular to attraction to a broad viewers.
The occasion reference once more eliminated readability – as did the humorous but unhelpful cat video profit.
The checklist of integrations was good however may have benefited from extra visible emphasis on Spotify and Pandora.
Entertaining testimonials.
6. Brian Solar
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Judges’ feedback
What’s the provide?!
The headline begins nicely however fails at “reduce a rug” – too intelligent!
The hero copy appears like the author’s undecided what’s fascinating about DJ Rumba. What one factor will enhance in my life once I join? Why am I signing up? What may stop me from signing up?
“Are you able to Rumba?” = no; exchange with what I get once I join.
Testimonials are flat. Redo.
The headline is cute, although I’m undecided most people beneath 70 shall be accustomed to the expression “reduce a rug.” I wager this web page would kill will the “jitterbug” generation!
The sub-head is a bit wordy, however does a superb job explaining what DJ Rumba is and does so in a enjoyable method.
I like “Are you able to rumba?” as a method of transitioning into the ask however the button copy veers into “too intelligent” territory. Does filling out the shape get me a vacuum? Cool music? Some boring e-newsletter? I’m not going to click on if I don’t know what I’m getting.
The testimonials say the identical factor in just about the identical method and don’t handle any of my considerations or questions. That’s a waste of copy.
7. Kendra Savich
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Judges’ feedback
That’s an attention-grabbing headline. I wish to say it really works, however it’s actually making an attempt to perform an excessive amount of. DJ Rumba is just not going to type the aluminum cans from the bottles, empty ash trays and rub out merlot stains. All it might actually do is vacuum your carpets. However you don’t even know if it does that nicely. There’s one point out, within the electronic mail sub-offer: we hear that it’s “powerful,” however what does powerful imply? One testimonial mentions his carpets have been pristine.
So the author focuses on the music an excessive amount of. As a possible buyer, my questions are how good is the sound high quality (one testimonial suggests they didn’t skimp on the sound expertise… however what does that imply?) How good is the vacuum?
With these hanging questions, the CTA fails. As an alternative, how about an attractive cliffhanger?
The headline and sub-heading fail to elucidate what the DJ Rumba is.
The primary name to motion “Enjoyable. Powerful. Autonomous.” is weak, however I just like the sub textual content, giving me a number of causes to enroll to the notification checklist (if solely I’d understood what the DJ Rumba is!).
The three function bins aren’t unhealthy, however don’t give me a compelling argument. Wants extra readability what DJ Rumba presents.
8. Josh Garofalo
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Judges’ feedback
I just like the shorter copy and whitespace. Whereas the headline isn’t compelling, the sub-headline hints at what the machine is.
Twerking isn’t interesting, and the goal market is unclear. I dislike the slang (hilar, sippin’), however the three bins of content material beneath the opt-in inform me about options and potential benefits.
Advantages are missing – why ought to I care about these options?
First, think twice in regards to the pronoun. Does “he” work for this viewers? I’m truthfully undecided.
Second, “‘lil” is simply too patronizing. I’d eliminate it – it’ll make the headline extra direct and keep away from conveying the mistaken message.
Enhance the decision to motion. What’s in it for me? I wish to know when it’s obtainable. So inform me that’s what you’ll do.
9. JP Vasellina
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Judges’ feedback
I’d take into consideration swapping the headline and sub-headline to make it apparent to the customer what this factor is.
The microcopy on high of the CTA button is distracting and now places the concept of spam in my head.
The profit copy wants work. There are typos and it isn’t significantly compelling. I’d rework so the copy makes it clear how significantly better life shall be by utilizing this product.
This headline hits the mark a bit nearer, and made me wish to learn the lede copy. Sadly, this copy is weak and too brief to carry curiosity.
I wouldn’t use an opt-in for a video demonstration – not sufficient of a worth proposition. Show the video on the web page and craft a extra compelling CTA for get the opt-in.
Testimonials right here appear to work.
10. Sarah Davis
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Judges’ feedback
Studying the copy on this web page gave me a shit-eating grin from begin to end. Actually pleasant copy.
The Q&A headline/sub-head kicked issues off with humor and ease. The usage of rhymes all through tied in nicely with the theme, and the advantages clearly articulated why my life can be improved by utilizing it. The free trial added a pleasant contact of persuasion.
The headline already loses me – I can consider 100 issues higher than jammin’ out.
Poor readability: I don’t perceive what the product is, it’s probably not defined.
The good thing about the product is just not defined nicely, little or no is finished to extend my motivation.
And I’m not fascinated about free trial earlier than understanding how a lot it’s gonna price down the road.
An enormous thanks goes out to our judges and to everybody who submitted a touchdown web page; it was arduous to decide on simply ten!
Don’t be shy – we’d love to listen to what you consider the finalists (and the competition itself) within the feedback. Might the very best DJ Rumba copywriter win!